Other Duties As Assigned

It’s the stuff you read in the newspaper way in the back by the comics. Or on The Onion. What I am trying to say is that this stuff just does not happen in real life.

Well . . . it happened. Just yesterday, in fact.

Downtown DC churches have been victims of a vicious crime spree over the last few months. I’m proud (?) to say I was first to have my office burglarized, although the resulting hours spent on the telephone with credit card companies did not make me particularly happy. Since that time most of the neighborhood churches have been robbed of cash, equipment and other valuables (right at this minute I can’t think of anything else valuable in the church building, unless you count fake flower arrangements, a category in which we are very wealthy. Very). The DC police have been working on it; last I heard the detective assigned to the case was on vacation in Florida.

Well, I am happy to report that just yesterday, in between the hectic and demanding work they perform nonstop, several Calvary staff members solved the crime. (We only employ talented, multi-tasking staff at Calvary. “Other duties as assigned,” you know.)

There was a strange man in the building who claimed to be “helping unload equipment.” Turns out he was, in fact, unloading equipment . . . into his backpack, to be exact. The quick-thinking, crime-solving Calvary team whipped out the church digital camera and took the man’s picture as they escorted him out the door and called the police. (This is not his picture, in case you were wondering.)

I’m sure that it is only a matter of time (whatever length of time until the detective is back from vacation, that is) until the perpetrator is apprehended, thanks in large part to the picture that was taken and has since been identified by church staffs all over the city.

The photograph, that is, plus the completely filled-in tax return listing name, address, telephone number and social security number inadvertently left by the man in his hurry to vacate the premises.

I wish I had checked before we turned it in as evidence . . . I’ve been wondering how exactly you list “stolen goods” on your annual tax return . . . ?